Commence Official Freak Out...

::deep breath::
::deep breath::

::deep breath::

First, remember the PPC?

Well, this month, I bit the bullet. Sent in my resume. Harangued my (wonderful) choir director into agreeing to write a recommendation, rode herd until she did it. Pestered my (terrific) voice teacher into acting as my accompanist. Got an email today. I've been asked to come for an audition. I've asked for a week from Thursday (6/24) at 5:45/6 ish and am waiting to hear back if that works for both the adjudicant and my voice teacher.

It took me a while and some tectonic life shifts (2 more kids, getting my first real professional singing gigs) but, more importantly, it took the honest and heartfelt responses from people - a couple of whom don't even know me. It was the strength your responses gave me that led me to answer the ad for my church job two years ago in July, which led me to where I am now. Your friendship is appreciated so very much.

For All of Us Who Have Dreamed a Dream

You go, Susan Boyle - Here's hoping you take it all the way for all of us who are a little older, a little heavier, but still dare to dream a dream.

Susan Boyle

Fairy Tales Can Come True, It Can Happen To You

Last night, I achieved something I've dreamed of since I was about 8. I started my paid church singing gig with a pot luck supper and productive rehearsal.

I was damn nervous going in but so I always am when faced with bunches of people I don't know. (People scare the shit out of me.) Fortunately, the music director is energetic and very nice and the people, while not as energetic - which would be difficult!, are very pleasant and very welcoming and willing to answer my logistical questions (parking validation, robes, rehearsal times, etc.).

Having sung in a Catholic church for the last couple years (which I am still doing), it's nice to be back to "real" music. Actually, our music director at P&A does try to work in some real music and we've a lovely Palestrina piece we're working on so that's not really fair. Still, music in the latter day Catholic church is, predominantly, schlock (which I've always thought is a real shame - they have such a wealth of beautiful, beautiful music, centuries worth, for Pete's sake! - and they do schlock). Tthe congregationalists are a little more classical. It's also nice to be singing SATB again. Actually, with singing both at P&A and Center Church, I get the best of both worlds this way - I'm singing SSAA (women only) at P&A.

All in all, it was a really positive experience - and, other than the fact that I have to then work until 2 a.m. to make up for starting at 10 p.m., I think I'm going to enjoy this.



P.S. I admit it, I'm doing the Achieved My Dream of Being a Professional Musician Happy
Dance in my office chair this morning!!

When Your Dreams Fail

Adjusting to the fact that one's best simply may not be good enough has got to be one of the most difficult tasks to accomplish.

I sing. I'm not the best but I'm a good, solid choral singer. I have excellent sight reading skills and a useful range, particularly in small choirs (where I have sung everything from Alto 2 to Soprano 1). I learn my music quickly and have little patience for "note-banging". I've sung in church choirs since I was 5, in school choirs since 2nd grade, making countless all counties, in college choir, making chamber choir, and in semi-professional (but unpaid) community choirs (Eastman Rochester Chorus, Springfield Symphony Chorus). I have, for a very long time now, wanted to "make something" of my voice.

There is a paid professional chorus (we'll call it the PPC) that I've really wanted to get into. Their director runs incredibly efficient, yet not lacking in humor, rehearsals. They sing really neat music. Both my church choir director and my voice teacher sing for them and know of my goal. I overheard after church choir rehearsal today my choir director encouraging someone to audition for the PPC. And it suddenly became clear that I have been deluding myself. I'm just not at that level and I'm not going to be. And, you know what?, this is a really, really painful discovery.

I think what makes it all worse is that singing professionally was sort of my last dream that I hadn't let go of yet. I had to let go of being a flight instructor (time and money). I had to let go of being a photography professor (grad school and I didn't get alone). My graphic design business never got out of the "struggling" stage and my jewelry creation business doesn't look like it will.

Now, some would say, "well, you're a mother, that should be good enough." Well, you know, for some it may be and I respect that; for me, it ain't. I love my daughter (though she drives me nuts) but, honestly, I'm a mediocre mother. I have no patience and lose my temper easily. I find small children deadly dull. And, even more to the point, I need to be successful in my own right not viewed through the lens of someone else's success or failure.

So now, I have a night job that I'm good at but hate and at which I get no respect (not me, personally, but the task I do), a day job that I'm lousy at (and let's not even talk about the lack of respect presented by 2 year old), and no dreams left to hold onto. All that's left is a long, empty slog to the grave as a middle-of-the-road nothing.

Man, that sucks.