Oops, They Did It Again...

Ok, first, please forgive the language that is about to follow...
GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY!

::takes deep breath and visualizes their medical director roasting on a spit::

Ok, now that the vent is out of the way, let me explain.

Yes, the health insurance company is at it again - determined they shall not fail in their mission of racheting the stress level of pregnant moms to Total Freak Out Level by the last few weeks of pregnancy. People who have been reading here awhile may remember that, last time, they threatened about 6 weeks before I delivered that I wouldn't be able to deliver at the hospital where my OB practices. That, being an issue that affected the state insurance pool as well as our tiny little bit of business, got resolved by the State Controller getting involved.

This time... well, a bit of background first... Evie, my 16 month old, was delivered nearly a month early as her amniotic fluid levels had dropped precipitously (>50%) from Tuesday to Thursday. This time, the OB warned us that the insurance company wasn't going to cover twice weekly fluid check ultrasounds and we've been scheduled for weekly ones with fetal non-stress tests for the next 5 1/2 weeks until delivery. Well, today, my mail brought me the news that the insurance company won't cover those either - sorry, they say, it's not medically necessary. If a baby doesn't have enough amniotic fluid, first, he or she stops growing, then, loses weight, and, if it goes on long enough, the child essentially starves to death in the womb. There is no question that ultrasounds are safe, they are not experimental, and have been shown, as I am a direct example of, to save fetal lives.

Not medically necessary, my substantial ass.

Oh Baby

The little bean is measuring right on target at 7 weeks 4 days, giving us an estimated due date of 9/26/09. The heartbeat was fluttering away - no trouble seeing it! I'll be going back every 2 weeks through the first trimester.

Feeling rather relieved here as the last time we conceived after having a baby, we lost the baby; though it wasn't until several weeks after the initial ultrasound, the baby measured really small at the u/s then and the heartbeat was hard to find - so measuring right on target and a lovely flutter was a big relief.

A Bit of A Surprise... But All Is Well

Last Thursday, we had a routine Level II ultrasound up at the hospital. Well, it would've been routine except that it showed the baby's fluid level dropped by 50% in 2 days. And the exam showed I was pre-eclampsic. So we didn't go home and that evening, Evelyn joined us by c-section (my second).

Luckily, she appears to be in excellent shape for a preemie. (She was nearly a month early.) She did have a stay under the bili-lights for jaundice but that appears to be going away as well. A mere 6 pounds at birth (19"), she actually dropped to 5 lb 6 oz before we left the hospital. The picture with her proud big sister doesn't really show exactly how skinny (scrawny, really, poor thing) she is - all sticks - but she's doing her level best to grow though and she was 5 lb 10 oz at her first post-hospital exam two days ago.

We weren't really ready, of course, which made for a really hectic time. We were lucky though and a wonderful friend agreed to take Katie on an hour's notice as we spent the few minutes after the ultrasound trying to shuffle our lives. John spent the weekend trying to ready the house. There are still things that need to be done but we're home and, well, they'll get done when they get done.

The First Night

My baby is growing up ... ::sniff::

She's spending her first night in her new room tonight in her new toddler bed (ok, new to her - we were just going to go with the twin mattress on the floor but a friend offered us their used toddler bed with mattress and bedding free - whee!!)

Once we get her fully moved in (the bulk of the work is done but there are a few small remaining things to do), I'll post before and after pictures of the room. The different is amazing. But for right now, the amazement is that she's old enough to be out of her crib (which she never climbed out of so we never bothered to move her before this) and into a "big girl" room. What's weirder yet is the idea that no one is sleeping in the crib. We've checked on that crib so many times in the last 2.5 years and to see it empty (albeit, God willing, only for a month) is just wild.

Now the question is what to do about the monitor. Several people have told me you can't run more than one monitor in the house (unless it's specifically made with multiple transmitters) because they interfere with each other (and, in fact, we even have trouble with our back yard neighbor's monitor). I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up on monitoring her yet, particularly since we're still potty training and she'll call for help mid-nap. But the multiple room monitors are wicked expensive and the reviews are mixed (some love 'em, some have nothing but problems).

21 Day Challenge | Day 3 | Lament

Lament

I do not know who
I am.
I know I am
loved.

But this realization comes too late.

I am already
gone.

21 Day Challenge | Day 2 | A Fluttering of Dust

Adrift, I float
through
a fog,
a mist so thick, I cannot see the banks,
the trees,
the sky.

There is nothing,
nothing around me,
nothing in me,
nothing of me.

I am transparent,
a fluttering of dust,
and am soon gone.

Everything We Got, We Got the Hard Way

The hardest part of this entire ordeal, I believe, is that there is no public recognition of the loss. There is no wake, no funeral, no gravesite to visit. It happened early enough for us that we don't even know if our deceased child was a boy or a girl. There is no name to etch into a permanent memorial.

Many people, typically those who have not gone through it, treat it as a medical issue and nothing more. To them, it is no different than breaking your leg skiing. They do not comprehend the agonizing clarity of my understanding that this was my baby. This was John Sevier or Evelyn Ann. This was Katie's sister or brother. John's and my daughter or son.

One coworker emailed me "try not to be too sad". Um, excuse me? And just how would you suggest I go about doing that? It strikes me, too, as being disrespectful to my husband, my daughter, and my baby. On top of that, what is "too sad"? Would she have written someone who lost their 1 year old "try not to be too sad"?

I want to thank everyone here who sent their thoughts and condolences and hugs and prayers; your messages were much more thoughtful and considerate. It makes it much easier to bear when other people are helping carrying the burden and not adding to it. I really appreciate each and every one of you.