Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Matthew William Patrick Kelly
8 lb 5 oz, 19.5" long


















Evie at 17 months
Yogurt is good! Spoon usage? Not so much. ;)

















Katie at 4 years
All imaginative sociability

















And my heart is in your hands too, my own dear children.

We Have Ignition in 3-2-1...

Less than 12 hours to go.

Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone! I'll post as soon as possible after - probably Sunday night or Monday.

T-minus 1.25

Katie has now been duly feted for her birthday. I cannot believe she's 4 already. Yow.

Only 29.25 hours until we leave for the hospital. It's damn weird this whole scheduled thing. I mean, Katie's birth was scheduled but the induction didn't take and it quickly went to unscheduled. Evie had a c-section scheduled but then, of course, arrived a month early without warning. It's just odd knowing that "ok, tomorrow I need to do blah-blah-blah because we need to get up early Wednesday."

I'm now officially on maternity leave - I know I'll have to check my work email tomorrow at least briefly but, other that that, I will not be doing work-work for the next week. Back at the keyboard for that on the 23rd.

Alrighty, I still have Katie's lunch to make and 18 cupcakes to frost for tomorrow. Yes, I bought the cupcakes for most of her class but this one poor kid has a violent peanut allergy and can't eat them. The preschool teachers won't let her eat anything I might make and send in for her either. So, I made the cupcakes, frosted a few and ran them over the backyard to her mom to send in with her. If they won't let her eat what her mom sends, then we're in bad shape for sure.

Oh, by the way, my dad was fine this a.m. so I'm pretty sure it was that he overdid it. We're on for Wed. a.m.

'Night all. Baby in less than a day and a half. Yikes!!

T-minus 2.5

Wrote this post once, damn Blogger ate it!

Ok, let me start with a little medical background refresher for my family for the last month...
August 14th... my sister has her knee put back together from a complete ACL and partial MCL tear.
August the next week... she passes out and convulses in her bedroom - double pulmonary embolism.
August/September... my brother-in-law (sister's hubby) winds up in the hospital with some sort of bladder issue *and* viral meningitis.
Two days after that... my dad is diagnosed as needing a (basically) immediate hip replacement.
Today... my parents arrive in CT from NY. Dad gets sick with vertigo, nauseau, and chills.
Also today... my sister-in-law is diagnosed with Lyme Disease and sky high BP.
Also today... my youngest has been running a high enough fever all day that we've been crisscrossing the ibuprofen and acetaminophen - no other symptoms.

As you can see, we've got some pretty damn nasty medical/bad luck cooties floating around.

So, here's my problem. I'm having major abdominal surgery Wednesday morning and, of course, it's not like they can put it off. Katie turns 4 tomorrow. We're supposed to be having my folks and John's mom over for dinner tomorrow. Also, my parents are supposed to be babysitting my children at 5 a.m. on Wednesday whilst I go have the aforementioned major abdominal surgery. I do not have any urge to catch whatever Dad's got right before said surgery. I have no urge to have my children catch whatever Dad's got when I won't be around to take care of them. I have even less of an urge to have a newborn exposed to this shit. Do I disinvite Dad to the birthday celebration? Will Mom be carrying enough exposure to expose us? Should I be finding an alternate sitter for Wednesday a.m. (pretty damn difficult to find someone for that early on such short notice!)? I don't want to cause a family rift here... maybe I'm overreacting?

Got The Suitcase just about packed - one thing I learned from the last 2 stays is that what you really need most is stuff to do, decent shampoo, and toothpaste. It gets boring lying around in bed, particularly when you're still attached to a catheter and can't move around. Also, when you're finally allowed to shower, you really don't want to use the industrial strength bar soap provided. And, of course, toothpaste isn't provided. Worse to worst, you can always use your finger if you don't have a toothbrush but it's not the Ritz... they don't have a front desk to keep you stocked.

In other news, got my hair cut - yay! Now sporting a very Tasha Yar-esque 'do. Good thing is I like it. Bad thing is I like it... I'm supposed to think it's too short. I, unfortunately, don't. And the shorter my hair is, the more often I have to have it cut, which gets expensive.

Any advice out there on the family medical situation?

T-minus 3.5

Just in case anyone was wondering, screw-mount drawer locks are a bitch to put in. Two down, three to go. Not sure I'm going to make it on that one.

I was also supposed to pack The Suitcase today. Didn't get there.

Did get down to Ikea though to get the easel for Katie's birthday and made the lovely discovery that its price was knocked down from $25 to $15, allowing me to buy the paper roll holder thingie as well.

Made quiche yesterday - 3 of 'em. Two went in the freezer and we ate one (well, most of one... ok, well, John and Katie weren't enamored so *I* ate most of one and they picked at it) for dinner. I'd like to get a lasagne made and frozen too - I need to get those no-boil lasagne noodles first though.

Last night was rough. Katie wouldn't go down for screaming, got up in the middle of the night and wouldn't go down (again), and then got up at an ungodly hour and screamed some more. What was she screaming about, you ask? Get this. She was screaming because Evie was babbling at her. Of course, the more she screams, the more Evie ramps it up, thinking it's a game. Absofuckinglutely ridiculous. I also got up seven, yes seven, times to pee.

Oooh, and I got a package today! Fun!! I haven't opened it yet but I'm thrilled!!

Alrighty, I'm babbling and tomorrow is also a day. G'night all.

T-minus 5.5

Had the first women's choir rehearsal of the season tonight. Didn't need to go, I suppose, given that I won't be singing for another month plus but I needed to get out of the house. It's my only "adult only" activity - singing - and I've missed it sorely over the summer!

Turns out my passenger missed it too! Or maybe he was objecting to it. Hard to tell. He danced about a fair amount though!

Last gym visit before his arrival was today as well. Guess I'll start packing the suitcase (i.e., the repurposed gym bag - LOL) tomorrow.

T-Minus-6.5

As in, 6.5 days until the occupant makes his way, via slice in my abdomen, into the world. You'd think I'd be relaxed and calm by now, that I wouldn't worry about him and just be focused on getting through the last week of discomfort.

Now, don't get me wrong, being this pregnant is distinctly uncomfortable. But.

But I worry. I know way too much about what can go wrong. Sure, our loss was early on but I know a lot of people who lost their babies at the last minute. Cord accidents, true knots, placental abruptions, previously undiagnosed genetic disorders. If he's not moving, I worry that he's still. If he's moving, I worry that he's working his umbilical cord into a knot or around his neck.

It doesn't help that I'm beat and don't really have the energy to do the last few remaining things that need to be done (or can't - i.e., put the new, narrower car seats in the backseat - I simply don't fit it my backseat at this point). He's dropped so I'm sleeping better at least - I can breathe without stabbing pain in my stomach. But I can't focus for the worry.

Anybody got a nice shiny object?

God, I Love My OB!

So, last night, John and I drafted an appeal letter on the ultrasound denials. This morning, I called my OB's office before I sent it, just in case they had anything they wanted me to add.

Well, Jessica says, they got the same letters yesterday. My OB was apparently really upset and called their medical director and raised holy hell (my term, not hers). The ultrasounds are now approved.

I could not ask for a better doctor.

Oops, They Did It Again...

Ok, first, please forgive the language that is about to follow...
GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY!

::takes deep breath and visualizes their medical director roasting on a spit::

Ok, now that the vent is out of the way, let me explain.

Yes, the health insurance company is at it again - determined they shall not fail in their mission of racheting the stress level of pregnant moms to Total Freak Out Level by the last few weeks of pregnancy. People who have been reading here awhile may remember that, last time, they threatened about 6 weeks before I delivered that I wouldn't be able to deliver at the hospital where my OB practices. That, being an issue that affected the state insurance pool as well as our tiny little bit of business, got resolved by the State Controller getting involved.

This time... well, a bit of background first... Evie, my 16 month old, was delivered nearly a month early as her amniotic fluid levels had dropped precipitously (>50%) from Tuesday to Thursday. This time, the OB warned us that the insurance company wasn't going to cover twice weekly fluid check ultrasounds and we've been scheduled for weekly ones with fetal non-stress tests for the next 5 1/2 weeks until delivery. Well, today, my mail brought me the news that the insurance company won't cover those either - sorry, they say, it's not medically necessary. If a baby doesn't have enough amniotic fluid, first, he or she stops growing, then, loses weight, and, if it goes on long enough, the child essentially starves to death in the womb. There is no question that ultrasounds are safe, they are not experimental, and have been shown, as I am a direct example of, to save fetal lives.

Not medically necessary, my substantial ass.

The Patience Poem

A friend recently sent me a poem she'd written about her experience with grief in losing a child. I'd like to share it here (with her permission). Thanks, Robyn for putting into words what is so hard for people to understand about we parents with children who are no longer with us. It's the first thing, she says, she's ever written. I hope it's not the last.

Patience…………..Understanding

When a child dies a part of you dies with that child
A future you dreamed about no longer exists.
Everyone waits on the side for you to move on.
Everyone wonders why you still may grieve from time to time.
Have they ever lost a child?
Can they really know what we are feeling?
Everyone must understand this loss is a life long journey.
Patience…………Understanding - that’s all one can do.
Those of us who have had a child die don’t want the pain or want to dwell on the past.
The pain is just there.
It eases up and gets easier, but the pain will live with us forever.
Forever because it’s a future we will never know.
Only a dream we dreamed.
Only a prayer we prayed.
Only a wish we wished.
Only a hope we had hoped.
Not a day goes by that we don’t think of our child that is not with us.
It may not be an all day affair wondering what they would be doing right now.
But it may be a song we hear
A moment we feel
A smell we come across
A short simple thought of that child who is not with us.
Just give us Patience……………Understanding
Our emotion, whatever it may be, will forever be with us.

Robyn Lloyd
Mother of Hailey
Born still May 31, 2008
July 2009

A Rant About Gender and Pregnancy

First, some (much abbreviated) background, my apologies to those for whom this is a repeat.

I got married at 30. We started trying to have kids at 34, by 35 we were full into the ART (assisted reproductive therapy) swing. At 37, tired of all the hormones, tests, and procedures, we called it a day. At 38, we unexpectedly (very unexpectedly) had a baby girl. At 39, we lost a baby. At 40, we plunged back into the Clomid full force and, at 41, had another baby girl. Afterward, we decided that to just let fate do its thing. I wasn’t going back to hormones (either assistive or preventative), I wasn’t going to monitor for ovulation. After all, fertility has always been an issue for us and, of course, it declines as one gets older. Not to mention, with two kids under 3 and me working nights, how much, er, personal time do we get? As we now know, the Great Good Thing had different plans for us, of course.

Ok, on to today’s rant...

So, my boss calls this morning with some action items (I hate that term) from yesterday’s ExCom (I hate that term too - we’re not the military, for Pete’s sake) meeting. She wants me to make another presentation on why contracts and, more specifically, the language in our contracts is important and to go through our contract procedures with our PMs (project managers, not prime ministers though, of course, some of them think of themselves as the latter). They want me to make this presentation at one of the monthly staff meetings. Now, there’s really only one date that will work as July’s meeting is coming too quickly to put a presentation together on our currently shortened hours and still get the other work done and September is, well, occupied. So, August it is.

In the course of this discussion, she reveals that she’s told ExCom that we’re expecting. I have to say I’m a bit surprised. She was the one that wanted me to keep this quiet (because our COO was p-i-s-s-e-d that I got pregnant last time - that much was made very clear to me at the time: heaven forfend, I should put my personal life above the company) and, given that I work from home, it’s possible I might have kept it secret until well after the fact. (We don’t have maternity leave, per se, and, last time, I was working 10 hours a week within a week of getting home from the hospital.) But, ok, they know. And, she adds, “they’re all happy you’re expecting a boy.”

Ok, this I have a problem with. Like they wouldn’t be happy if it was a girl? Still, I’d think it was just a wording thing except that I’ve talked to several people for whom the only saving grace of this pregnancy is that the baby appears to be a boy.

The pregnancy was received poorly by many people until we/they found out the baby is a boy. From my parents to random acquaintances, people seem to think that we’re crazy/disobedient/inappropriately fecund to have a third but, oh, it’s ok because “John’s getting his boy”. So, WTF? How could our pregnancy possibly affect you? It’s not like my parents babysit or really have much to do with our children at all. It’s not like we’re imposing on friends to watch our kids or run errands, etc. We’re not on public support; we pay our taxes, Katie’s preschool tuition, and our bills. It’s not like I work fewer hours or ask for weird accommodations due to pregnancy... as I mentioned earlier, I was back in the saddle within a week, answering emails, and back at 10 hours a week the following week and back to my full 20 hours a week within 6 weeks. I took no unpaid time off. I took no paid time other than my normal sick leave and normal vacation time: time to which I would have been entitled whether or not I had a baby. So how could our pregnancy, the number of children we choose to have, possibly be any business of yours to judge?

Let me just say this publicly: we were thrilled about this pregnancy from the day we discovered it. We are happy it’s a boy; we would have been happy if it had been a girl - we just care that it’s healthy (which, thank God, he appears to be). Every child is a miracle, particularly when one has had such trouble conceiving... every child.

I guess I am grateful they don’t have to have the experience which leads them to understand how precious each chance to be a parent is. Fertility crap sucks - there’s only about 1 or 2 people in this world that I’d be tempted to wish that misery upon (and those people I wouldn’t want reproducing anyway so I suppose in the end I wouldn’t wish it upon them either).

But, I say again, WTF?!

Today

All went well, thank goodness, though I suspect Evie's enmity toward Dr. Valdez may be of the enduring variety. The nurse told me they do 50 ear tube surgeries a week - a week!! It was quick and the hardest part (for me) was restraining her little hands as she tried to pull the anesthesia mask off. But then she went to sleep and I trotted my tearful person out to the bathroom and it was over almost before I got back.

I really don't know how parents whose children have to have "real" surgery take it. LJ, my hat's off to you!!

So, there's a family waiting room where you're supposed to wait. And the waiting room has a monitor who checks you in. And the monitor has all the warm fuzzy demeanor of a middle school gym teacher. I swear, it felt more like detention than a place for anxious parents! (Though I don't suppose detention offers coffee and tea...) It just struck me kind of funny. Everyone else was so nice and friendly, including the nurses in recovery who have to listen to wailing children all day, and the waiting room monitor was as dour as a Scotsman who's had his golf clubs and whiskey taken away!

In other news... the concert tonight went well and I didn't make a fool of myself either in my aria or in the choral bits, fortunately. Always a good thing.

And for those who are curious, the new baby is a boy!

On feeling simultaneously young and very old indeed

Thank you all for your good wishes and for not asking if I'm crazy!

So, as those of you who are mathematically inclined could easily determine from my birthdate on my ultrasound, I'm 41. I'll be 42 in April. I'm old. Ok, I'm not really old in the general way of things (and certainly not behaviorally!) but, in terms of being pregnant, I'm old. And being AMA (advanced maternal age) engenders (heh, pun fully intended) a host of things - one of which involves extra progesterone. For those of you who don't remember (or who never knew), progesterone is responsible for many of the lovely side effects of early pregnancy, including exhaustion and nausea. So, yeah, this pregnancy is so kicking my ass. I could probably be in bed all day and still be wiped out. Unfortunately, I can't *be* in bed all day (more's the pity that!!) as I've the rugrats to chase. And the lovely low-level nausea that dogs me much of the day (until just about 4 pm) does nothing for my mood either.

Now, in my last pregnancy, I took the symptoms as a good sign - things were progressing as they ought. What with this extra progesterone coursing through my system, God only knows whether this is a good sign or just a sign of well-meant medical intervention. Sigh.

At any rate, yeah, I'm old. I'm already easily the oldest mom at any playgroup though, luckily, I don't look it (thanks be for small mercies). My mother and many of my friends think I'm stark raving mad to do this again. Truth is, we never expected it to happen. We weren't trying but neither were we trying not to. We had such trouble getting pregnant for our whole reproductive history that who would think that at our age I'd get pregnant the normal way. I mean - go figure!! That does not mean, however, that we aren't thrilled. I'm ecstatic, actually (well, except when queasy - queasy tending to interfere with any feeling other than being queasy), and am really looking forward to one last baby.

There is something about the kids that keeps you at least a little young. My 3 year old makes me off the wall nuts mad but her joie de vivre, her flamboyant boisterousness is contagious. The baby, now 10 months old, is so curious and frighteningly physically adept (she not only unplugs the night lights, she takes the shield off and unscrews the bulb). How could anyone feel old when they spend a good part of the day watching her little boomba scuttle across the floor chasing the cat?

That being said, I'll probably call it permanently quits if this baby makes it. The risks for miscarriage, etc. get higher the older you get and I really, really don't want to go through that again. Also, I've spent the predominant amount of the last 7 years either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. That's a goodly amount of time worrying about one's onboard roommate.

Actually, I'll probably call it quits if this baby doesn't make it as well. You move on as best you can, try to distance yourself from that pain, that aching need to hold the child you never can, bringing it only out occasionally to feel anew that burning anguish. But it never goes away. It's always there, tucked neatly away, hidden lest it offend or make someone uncomfortable, ready to come out of its own volition, wreaking agonizing misery, arms stretching for a child that will never fill them, voice whispering, barely audible, pleading with the fates for the impossible, and tears that will not be quenched. No, I don't want another child's death on my soul.

The Baby That Wasn't (No. 2) would be 20 months old now (it's been 2 years, 3 months, and 4 days since s/he left us) and, of course, Evie probably wouldn't be with us - it's such a mixed feeling. So, old, young... either way, fingers crossed and prayers said for baby #4 to join us happy and healthy in September.

Oh Baby

The little bean is measuring right on target at 7 weeks 4 days, giving us an estimated due date of 9/26/09. The heartbeat was fluttering away - no trouble seeing it! I'll be going back every 2 weeks through the first trimester.

Feeling rather relieved here as the last time we conceived after having a baby, we lost the baby; though it wasn't until several weeks after the initial ultrasound, the baby measured really small at the u/s then and the heartbeat was hard to find - so measuring right on target and a lovely flutter was a big relief.

Baby Update

We had our first Level II ultrasound on Thursday.

The baby looks healthy and "normal". Growth rates are right on target. She weighs about 9 oz now.

Yep, "she". Looks like we'll be adding another little girl our family. John's a little disappointed but not nearly like he was when Katie was in utero. He's realized that he can, indeed, have fun with a little girl too.

She's kicking me in the bladder right now - LOL. Glad I can finally feel her occasionally - reassures me to no end.

P.S. That wonderfully inappropriate Santa candleholder? (The one with the tree star stuck up his, er, boomba?) Katie knocked it off the table yesterday and it broke. Sigh. She also shattered my carved soapstone egg with the carved swan inside it. It was a destructive day.

Balancing on Someone Else's Back

Well, it's for certain that John's firm didn't get a piece of the town attorney work. The partners are bracing for the downturn of work.

As anyone involved in real estate in New England (and, indeed, the entire northeastern US) knows, real estate has been very slow and they've basically been carrying the real estate paralegal position since June or July hoping they'd get the town attorney thing would work out. They're going to lay their real estate paralegal off. They're going to tell her this Friday, her last day will be next Wednesday and they'll pay her for all of next week. They're also planning to send her with a glowing letter of recommendation and are making calls to the local title insurance company execs to see if they have any work to offer her. She'll also be getting her Christmas bonus. John knows it needs to be done; they've been overstaffed for quite a while. But even though he brought it up to his partner (who was a bit relieved as he thought so too but was having a hard time addressing it), it's really bothering him. She's an excellent employee - the best real estate paralegal he's ever had - reliable, smart, relatively unflappable. This is the really hard part of having all excellent employees; how do you choose who goes?

It bothers me too. They've made the right decision for business, I know; the 2 other secretaries have specialities that are busy and real estate is dead. They are clearly overstaffed for the work they've got. It just sucks because I know her husband's a drunken sot who can't be bothered to find steady work. She has a school-age daughter. What gives us the right to make sure our mortgage is paid at her expense? Just because I logically know this is the right decision and that, as business owners, they have to look to keeping the company afloat, doesn't mean that my conscience is easily assuaged.

I was able to cancel the B&B weekend - helps to be friends with the owner - and get a full refund. We may go over the winter or in early spring if money permits. We have a gift certificate that we won a while back for a free night's stay (Sun - Thurs) and a steakhouse dinner at the local casino (http://www.foxwoods.com/). We'll probably try to use that mid-January for a minibreak. Doesn't really do it for me (not fond of casinos) but I think we need the escape even if it's just overnight.

I will be installing a clothesline as soon as I make it Home Depot to get one. I also am switching the lightbulbs over to the compact fluorescent. For what my folks' electric bill has gone down, I think it's probably worth the upfront money for the OMG-expensive bulbs. It's also good for the environment, which is nice.

I cut my 401k contribution from 15% of my paycheck to 7.5%. I don't want to cut that out altogether because it's our only active saving for retirement right now but this will give us a little extra cash in the month.

Voice lessons are done for the time being. My voice teacher was great about it and I will still be singing with her choir in December.

We've decided to go forward with our Christmas party anyway. This year, though, when people ask if they can bring things, we're going to say 'yes' (where, in the past, we've usually just said, "just bring yourselves!"). We figured we needed the cheer.

My boss ok'd the extra 5 hours a week and she's working out what I can do now.

Still working on cutting the grocery budget but we've refrained from eating out so far. I want my Starbucks decaf nonfat extra-peppermint mochas but you do what you've got to.

We have decided to keep our dinner date with friends this weekend even though it requires a babysitter - they're buying dinner as congratulations that we're pregnant. (At least it's one of the $5/hr babysitters, not one of the $10/hr ones.) The only kicker with that is that I am *certain* the guy, at least, voted for the republicans and he's not shy about talking about politics. I am hoping that I will not have to deal with his political rhetoric - instant agita not to mention a fair amount of personal angst.

Thank you very much, everyone, for all your support; it means a lot to me. Well, I have an OB appointment in a half hour so I'd best get a move on. Out of the first trimester now. Less nausea, less tired, not feeling the baby yet (probably at least another month at my size).

If you guys could keep the real estate paralegal and her family in your prayers, I would appreciate it.

Too Damn Many Projects to Count

And, yep, that's my excuse for not having posted in forever.

Before I forget, JerseyTjej, you are off the hook with respect to my Pelikan as I found it over last weekend - whoohooo!!!! And, nope, I'm still not mailing it off to you to borrow.

Ok, back to the too damn many projects. I need to learn to tell myself, and others, no. There's so much I want to do (and we're not talking food here for once) and I just can't face the fact that I don't have enough time to do everything that (a) needs to get done, (b) I'm obliged (now) to get done, and (c) fun stuff I want to do.

This weekend, I need to: design an entire ad book for a dinner next weekend. The file is due to the chamber office on Monday. Yes, this is pro bono work. Dumb ass me.

I also need to: finish the bangle I'm working on for class - because it's going to be my auction donation for said dinner. Again, pro bono but at least this is multi-purpose and may have marketing benefits.

Oh yes, I also need to finish transcribing Quem Pastores - all I have yet to transcribe is the flute part BUT Finale is fighting me and I will then need to re-enter the whole thing from scratch to add the organ and flute parts because I didn't start with enough staves and, for some reason, the damn program keeps putting in returns for no apparent reason. I may go back to Noteworthy Composer for the final. We'll see. The choir director has Finale though and if she wants to tweak it, it would be easier to have it in that.

Oh, and prepare and mail the draw slips for the Christmas gift draw on John's side of the family.

And then there's the usual: update the website, clean the house, watch the kid, go to the library sale, clean my office, crazy talk all. I'll be lucky if I get the must-dos done.

On a completely different note but it could also be considered a project...
We had another ultrasound today. Little Person was wiggling all around - appears to have the requisite appendages (arms, legs, head) - and had a nice steady heartbeat. I am so lucky, my OB is absolutely wonderful. He asked that I come back in a month. I looked pitiful. He said, "You made it 3 weeks this time!" I said, "Yes, but it was a REEEEEEEALLY long 3 weeks." He said, "Want to come back in 2?" Man, I just can't say enough about the guy. If you're in Central CT and looking for a great OB, email me.

A good friend told me she was surprised I wasn't blogging more about being pregnant. I truly think it's because I'm afraid I'll jinx something. That if I believe it's true, that we're really going to be bringing home another live baby, that Katie will finally have a sibling, it will turn out to be my imagination. Opening myself to think about it, or hope, or believe, also opens me to a great deal of potential pain. I think not talking about it is a way for me to shield myself from the pain. I think I am finally starting to believe that this one is for real. Because Little Person was very clearly that - a little, and very wriggly, person. Somehow, seeing that makes it very real. We're going to have a baby. Wow.

Please keep us in your prayers that Little Person makes it all the way.

A Day Like All The Others

Just a day, no reason to feel particularly good or particularly bad. Just a day. Nothing strikingly unusual - nothing even striking.

And I think that's why I'm blue. I got little done today (other than putting the maternity clothes in my dresser and packing the "regular" clothes away). (My husband, meanwhile, cleaned Katie's room and scrubbed the bathroom after cleaning the family room yesterday - I don't deserve this man.) I took a nap, my husband let Katie and me sleep instead of waking us for church, we had dinner, and now I'm here - instead of doing the work I ought to be doing. It was just a blobby, lazy, nothing kind of day. And I'm still wiped out.

I haven't finished the bracelet that I'm working on for class. I haven't really done any jewelry work in two weeks now (since I got back from the last show). I don't feel like doing the work I need to do for "work-work". Time just stretches forward in one long gray stretch of treadmill.

I wasn't always this way - I was a highly motivated, kick-work's-ass, do 8 things at once and have it work, kind of person. That was pre-Katie. I was just getting back to normal when it was time to start the Clomid again and then, of course, Thank God, we got pregnant. Ironically, I am grateful for the fatigue (and the nausea for that matter) as it generally means that intrauterine things are going well. But I am listless as well. (Well, semantically at least because, trust me, I am NOT list-less - I have lists coming out the wazoo.)

I think I'm also feeling more than a bit overwhelmed. Full-time childcare, half-time contract adminstration, two businesses that would flourish so much more if I could put the time and energy into them they deserve, and an independent studies class. And then, of course, there's the "Oh, I can do that for you!" sort of thing - like volunteering to transcribe a multi-part piece of music from a recording for choir. For the first time in my life, I am not keeping up. Sometimes, I wonder if this is an early stage of dementia. I just can't seem to keep my head on straight at times. Or is this just being a mom to a toddler and flooded with hormones?

And then there's the lack of anything interesting going on - no escapism. I've relied heavily on escapism for virtually all my life to get me through the drudgery of existence. And, at the moment, not only do I not have any time for escapism, there is really none on the horizon for quite a while.

Eh, don't mind me. I think I'll just say that "the baby ate my brain" and call it a day.

A Gordian Knot of Nerves and Excitement

Well, I heard from my OB at 2:07 p.m. this afternoon. Looks like I peed on enough sticks. (Although I peed on another one this morning - just to be sure... again.) We are, indeed, expecting again. My HCG number is good and my progesterone is terrific. (They look for at least 15 with 20 being quite good and mine's 42.) We have our first ultrasound scheduled for about 8 weeks - September 27th.

I am thrilled.
I am terrified.

It's going to be a very long 3 weeks.

A Day of Grief; A Day of Hope

As I was visiting a friend today, her sister called, distraught. The sister had just had an ultrasound that showed her baby had no heartbeat. She is, was, 9 weeks along. Right about when we lost the Baby That Wasn't. I was not prepared for the raw grief that surfaced again so quickly. How visceral the memory is of hearing the same words not a year ago.

The surreality of the situation was heightened by my trip (just prior to visiting my friend) to the doctor's office to have blood drawn to check for HCG and progesterone to see if we are, indeed, expecting again. I've had four positive pee-on-a-stick results but, as anyone who has struggled to get and stay pregnant knows, that doesn't mean squat until the doctor says your levels are good. Even then, there ain't nothin' guaranteed. You can't be sure you'll be walking out the door with a baby (ok, riding out since they insist on the wheelchair thing) until you're actually doing it.

Sometimes the circle of life spins just a little too fast to be sure which end is up.