May 16, 2008

The Snarkiness Conundrum

Why is it that, when faced with oppositional snarkiness, I can never come up with an equally snarky yet witty (or at least cogent) response until afterward?

I was awakened the other morning by a telemarketer who, when I pointed out that I work nights and she woke me up, snottily suggested that I set my phone so that it didn't ring if I wanted to sleep. Did I at the time think to point out that (a) my in-laws are in assisted living and constantly being taken to the hospital for one thing or another so our phone needs to stay "on" so that we can be notified of these things, (b) snarkiness is no way to increase her sales and a polite apology would be a better sales path, (c) there's not a chance in H*ll we want to buy a timeshare (which is what her company sold), and (d) beyond all that, we're on the Do Not Call list and she's not supposed to be calling us anyway? No, of course not; these responses only occurred to me at least an hour or more later. I merely said "Goodbye" grumpily and she hung up in my ear (to which I, not so maturely, replied "bitch" and hung up with a vengeance myself.

Now, you could blame this failure to produce an Oscar-Wilde-worthy response to the fact that I've gotten little sleep lately or that she had just woken me up but, to be perfectly honest, I'm never much better when confronted with such snarkiness. Hours later (or, in some cases, days), the perfect dryly (and snarkily) witty response occurs to me but, at the time, I'm left stammering like a teenage boy faced with conversing with his long time crush.

So, Nancy from InnSeason Resorts, consider this my response: (a) it's none of your business why I don't set my phone to silent but I'll tell you anyway - it's because I want to know when my father-in-law is hauled off to the hospital (again), (b) bitchiness will get you nowhere in sales, (c) we don't want, have never wanted, and (likely) will never want a timeshare, and (d) we're on the Do Not Call list and you're violating federal law by calling us. So there. THPPPPPPBBBBT!!

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