Insidious.
Cruel.
Growing.
Cancer.
My mother had an emergency hysterectomy in mid-August. They're pretty sure they got it all and, at the time they looked at the at-surgery biopsy (a cryo-slice), thought they'd not need to do anything else but... isn't there always a but? Turns out the kind of cancer that was swarming her uterus is one that spreads easily through blood veins and it's virulent. A single cell that got free during the surgery could be enough to start a new tumor elsewhere in her body. It's a rare form of cancer - so rare that the largest study of it involved no more than 60 patients simply for lack of patients to include. She starts chemo next Wednesday - 3 rounds, then several weeks of radiation. After that, if enough of her bone marrow has survived, she'll do 3 more rounds of chemo. Clear cell carcinoma has a 5 year survival rate of 40%.
My husband went for a routine blood pressure check last Friday. He mentioned to the doctor that he hadn't been able to pee fully nor had he been feeling all that well. He had a more-than-walnut-sized growth and his left testicle removed this Tuesday morning. His cryo-slice came back clear. We'll get the full pathology report back in about a week. I want to feel relieved. I want to relax. I just can't. It seems too good to be true - even if they find nothing in the full pathology report, how long will I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop? I was so good during the immediacy of the crisis - ok, just do what needs to be done... just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'. Now? I can't focus on anything but that I could lose my husband to the same accursed disease that's stealing my mother.
In general, I'm an optimist. I plan for the worst but expect the best. (I'll leave debate on whether that's the best way to approach life for another time.) This time... I'm having a hard time with the planning for the worst. How can I possibly plan for a life without my mother or my husband?
My mother and I have a complicated relationship. It is not... mutually supportive. But she's my mom. And everyone, everyone needs their mom. (Well, or someone to act the mother role.) My husband... I cannot even begin to imagine how I would go about life without him. From the emotional abandonment to the simple practicalities of raising 3 kids on my own. How would we manage to live without John's income? How would I make it through the coming years or, Lord in heaven, the teen years, without his emotional support? How could I possibly get anywhere without his solid 'of course you can do it' behind me? How could I possibly emerge sane at the other end?
This time, God, I'm not sure I've got this. This time, God, it may be just too much... even for my little planner soul.
Oct 13, 2011
Sep 20, 2011
A Princess Fairy Dancer in a Big Floofy Dress
So, I recently came across this blog post:
http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/feminism-in-motherhood/
And it's been bugging me.
Somehow, I thought being a 'feminist' meant that one supported the rights of girls and women to define themselves (rather than being forced into or out of roles by society's dictates). What is so damn wrong about a kid wanting a princess party? What's wrong with a little girl wanting to wear a sparkly tiara and a big floofy dress?
I have a degree from Smith, my favorite pants are cargos, my favorite everyday shoes are my Danner workboots, I'd rather shoot targets than go shopping but, damn it, I love wearing big floofy dresses and sparkly tiaras. I took figure skating as an adult and I loved every single fucking minute of it (ok, maybe not the time I landed on my kneecap and saw stars but all the other minutes) and every fucking girly outfit. So why should I expect my daughter to be any different? Why would I *want* her to be any different?
The reason I've been given is that "princesses are only someone by virtue of marrying the prince" - well, maybe in Disney movies. So, should we now denigrate all the good work done by Michelle Obama or Princess Anne of Britain? Because, after all, they're only somebody because they're married to... oh, wait... hmmm, Princess Anne is somebody in her own right. Gee, whaddya know, so is Michelle Obama.
Shouldn't we judge a little more carefully? Shouldn't we guide our girls with a little more discrimination than simply: "feminine = bad"? Shouldn't we say, "y'know what? Sparkly tiaras are cool and so are dance class and floofy dresses. You can be Cinderella for Halloween. And next year, you can be Tiny Pteranodon and the year after (this year), you can be Word Girl. Wanting to be a princess doesn't preclude being something else. And that's what we should be teaching our kids. Our girls *and* our boys.
And, y'know what else is cool? Standing on your own two feet and deciding who you want to be - for yourself, not for someone else - whether they be misogynist or 'feminist'. You want to be a police officer? Please wear your Kevlar for your mama. You want to be a stay-at-home mom? Feel free to call me when you're going bananas (because you will, I promise, go bananas at some point). You want to be a fighter pilot? Here's wishing you blue skies and smooth air. (And get me a ride along!). You want to be a fairy princess dancer in a big floofy dress and a sparkly tiara? Have fun but no stealing my 4" shiny candy apple red heels with the little black ribbon bows, ok?
http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/feminism-in-motherhood/
And it's been bugging me.
Somehow, I thought being a 'feminist' meant that one supported the rights of girls and women to define themselves (rather than being forced into or out of roles by society's dictates). What is so damn wrong about a kid wanting a princess party? What's wrong with a little girl wanting to wear a sparkly tiara and a big floofy dress?
I have a degree from Smith, my favorite pants are cargos, my favorite everyday shoes are my Danner workboots, I'd rather shoot targets than go shopping but, damn it, I love wearing big floofy dresses and sparkly tiaras. I took figure skating as an adult and I loved every single fucking minute of it (ok, maybe not the time I landed on my kneecap and saw stars but all the other minutes) and every fucking girly outfit. So why should I expect my daughter to be any different? Why would I *want* her to be any different?
The reason I've been given is that "princesses are only someone by virtue of marrying the prince" - well, maybe in Disney movies. So, should we now denigrate all the good work done by Michelle Obama or Princess Anne of Britain? Because, after all, they're only somebody because they're married to... oh, wait... hmmm, Princess Anne is somebody in her own right. Gee, whaddya know, so is Michelle Obama.
Shouldn't we judge a little more carefully? Shouldn't we guide our girls with a little more discrimination than simply: "feminine = bad"? Shouldn't we say, "y'know what? Sparkly tiaras are cool and so are dance class and floofy dresses. You can be Cinderella for Halloween. And next year, you can be Tiny Pteranodon and the year after (this year), you can be Word Girl. Wanting to be a princess doesn't preclude being something else. And that's what we should be teaching our kids. Our girls *and* our boys.
And, y'know what else is cool? Standing on your own two feet and deciding who you want to be - for yourself, not for someone else - whether they be misogynist or 'feminist'. You want to be a police officer? Please wear your Kevlar for your mama. You want to be a stay-at-home mom? Feel free to call me when you're going bananas (because you will, I promise, go bananas at some point). You want to be a fighter pilot? Here's wishing you blue skies and smooth air. (And get me a ride along!). You want to be a fairy princess dancer in a big floofy dress and a sparkly tiara? Have fun but no stealing my 4" shiny candy apple red heels with the little black ribbon bows, ok?
Aug 29, 2011
No Room at the Inn? Ground Zero 10th Anniversary Commemoration
Ok, so I've been trying to resolve in my own mind the whole "who is invited to the 10th anniversary commemoration at Ground Zero" thing. Because, as many have eloquently pointed out, including a very well stated comment by David Manning on Betty Davies post, there are so many who deserve and desire to be there.
So I've been trying to figure out exactly what's going on here... So far I've gleaned that:
The entire Ground Zero site is 16 acres. This, though, includes the ground under the building that has already been reconstructed (7 World Trade Center) and the two that are under construction as well as that under the memorials and all the construction. It's hard to tell from the pictures I found online (see the picture from 2006: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:GroundZeroFrom7WTC.JPG and this one from August of this year: http://www.rebuildgroundzero.org/rgzv2/en/ground-zero-photos?id=7745&view=detail) exactly how much of that 16 acres is accessible for the ceremony but it's pretty clearly a fraction of that original. After taking out all the buildings and construction zones and other spots where it wouldn't be safe to put people, let's say (though I think this may be optimistically large) it's about 3 acres. That'd probably include the roads but you can close the roads and put people on them so no biggie there.
I did a couple of quick googles and found that you can fit about 5000 people per acre. Now, that wouldn't include the rather large buffer around the president but we'll go optimistic with that as well as ignore the buffer. So, that's about 15,000 people without chairs.
Invited for politicians are: mayor, 2 presidents (Bush and Obama), 4 governors (NY, CT, NJ, and former NJ), and "a few local members of congress" (from this map - http://www.govtrack.us/congress/findyourreps.xpd?state=NY - it looks like there are about 18 clustered right around the center of NYC plus a couple of senators. I suspect they wouldn't have invited all those people when they didn't even invite Rudy Giuliani (mayor of NYC at the time of the attached) or George Pataki (NY governor at the time). But let's assume they did. So, that's 26 politicians.
~~ 15,000 - 26 = 14,974
From Wikipedia, I got that there were 2,753 victims in NY from 9/11 (that doesn't include people who died of respiratory illnesses from the cleanup). Of which, there were 343 firefighters, 60 police (NYPD and PANYNJ), and 8 EMTS).
I have no way of calculating the number of relatives of the victims... which makes the math guesswork but let's guess. I've heard through the political grapevine that they've limited the number of relatives per victim but I don't know to how many. 2 seems way too small a number - given that many would have still had living parents, spouses, and children. Neither can I see it being as high as 10. 5, maybe? So, that's 13,770.
~~ 14,974 - 13,770 = 1,204
Ok, so it can't be 5 unless they're counting on people not showing. So, let's deduct 20% of that for people that don't come (normally, I'd say it'd be a higher no-show rate but it is the 10th anniversary so I suspect more will come than not). That's bring the victims' family number down to 11,016
~~ 14,974 - 11,016 = 3,958
I haven't accounted for the secret service around the presidents - 10 of those maybe?
~~ 3,958 - 10 = 3,948
Ok, so let's count members of the New York police and fire departments and the Port Authority police department: 34,500 NYPD uniformed (NYPD website), 11,080 NYFD firefighters, 3,300 NYFD EMTs (both wikipedia), 1,660 PANYNJ police officers (also Wikipedia). That's 50,540 first responders. Ok, let's assume that 1/2 are on duty at any given time (which may be high but the police officers I know, for example, so often have to work overtime that it's definitely more than an 8 hour day). So, 25,270.
So, how do you fit 25,270 first responders... men and women who absolutely deserve to be there... in space for 3,948? Do you tell a mother or a father or a wife or son or a daughter of a victim that he/she can't come? Do you have a lottery for first responders that want to attend? Do you select representatives from each division/precinct? Do you invite them all and just have them spread down the side streets as far as they need to?
And, on top of that, how do you decide who stands where?
I am genuinely curious as to what other peoples thoughts are because this is a dilemma I find very hard to reconcile (and one I am grateful I do not need to reconcile!). Please be respectful of others' opinions however. I believe this is a situation where there are no easy answers and people of good will can honestly disagree and still be good people.
Mar 29, 2011
Consider Me Officially "De-Motivated"
I got a phone call from my boss today. Seems she and her boss (our CEO) had an extended conversation that started with "I love what PPG is doing..." You hear the "but" coming, right? Because there's always a "but". Sometimes, it's just a "but", sometimes a "but" and a "butt in". But there's always a "but". This time, 'twas the latter.
Apparently, the CEO and her pet project managers don't understand my contract review emails, notwithstanding the numerous times I rewrite them, gradually reducing need for extended reading comprehension skills. I'm now to write my reviews at a "third grade reading level"... because, it seems, all these over-educated planners and engineers aren't really literate beyond that.
I suspect, however, given their own writing styles, this stems less from a lack of literacy than from a lack of spine masked as a lack of critical thinking skills. No matter how many times I explain I am not an attorney and that practice of law without a license is illegal, they still don't want to be responsible for their own decisions whether to pursue changes or live with the contract as is.
I was brought up to my heart and soul into the things I do, to give an employer everything in my power to give them. And, in return, I was taught, an employer would be fair and appreciative. It's taken me all these years to figure out that 90% of the employers out there have little integrity and less honor when it comes to their employees. As a GenX, I should've been more cynical but I feel betrayed.
I need to stop caring whether I do the job the right way. Because it's getting in the way of my ability to actually do the job.
Apparently, the CEO and her pet project managers don't understand my contract review emails, notwithstanding the numerous times I rewrite them, gradually reducing need for extended reading comprehension skills. I'm now to write my reviews at a "third grade reading level"... because, it seems, all these over-educated planners and engineers aren't really literate beyond that.
I suspect, however, given their own writing styles, this stems less from a lack of literacy than from a lack of spine masked as a lack of critical thinking skills. No matter how many times I explain I am not an attorney and that practice of law without a license is illegal, they still don't want to be responsible for their own decisions whether to pursue changes or live with the contract as is.
I was brought up to my heart and soul into the things I do, to give an employer everything in my power to give them. And, in return, I was taught, an employer would be fair and appreciative. It's taken me all these years to figure out that 90% of the employers out there have little integrity and less honor when it comes to their employees. As a GenX, I should've been more cynical but I feel betrayed.
I need to stop caring whether I do the job the right way. Because it's getting in the way of my ability to actually do the job.
Feb 16, 2011
Hmmm...
It occurs to me that if I'm having a problem with so freakin' many people that the problem is probably me.
Or the world is out to get me.
But it's probably the former.
Or the world is out to get me.
But it's probably the former.
Jan 21, 2011
A Picture is Worth...
well, a link or two at least, if not a thousand words.
Pix from our trip to Syracuse to see my sister - wherein I drove an ATV for the first time, nearly threw myself off it, and drove a motor vehicle on a frozen lake (as well as got no sleep for days on end). Pix are of the black ice - which was really cool - and some images I caught as I was putting the Christmas tree away. Sparkly.
Pix from John's and my weekend away to Cape May. It was the first time we'd been away from the kids overnight in 4 years. It was wonderful. It was far, far too short.
Pix from our trip to Syracuse to see my sister - wherein I drove an ATV for the first time, nearly threw myself off it, and drove a motor vehicle on a frozen lake (as well as got no sleep for days on end). Pix are of the black ice - which was really cool - and some images I caught as I was putting the Christmas tree away. Sparkly.
Pix from John's and my weekend away to Cape May. It was the first time we'd been away from the kids overnight in 4 years. It was wonderful. It was far, far too short.
Jan 6, 2011
Best Message of the Day...
From an email forward from my dad:
"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."
"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."
Jan 4, 2011
Why I haven't posted...
November 22: Matthew sick - nasty cold.
November 23: Evie sick - pneumonia. Antibiotics, albuterol nebulizer treatments every 4 hours round the clock for 10 days.
November 27: Kelley ankle injury. X-ray shows it unbroken. Naproxen and a narcotic for swelling and pain as well as being restricted to combat boots. (Still hurting but grateful for said combat boots which saved the ankle from fracture per the doctor.)
November 28-December 10: Prep for holiday open house including a zillion dozen cookies, major grocery shopping, and decoration - all on said ankle
November 30: Follow up audiology report shows consistent hearing loss for Matthew, ear tube surgery scheduled
December 1: Kelley sick - laryngitis (just in time for 12/5 concert)
December 6: Katie sick
December 11: Katie first choir rehearsal. Holiday open house - turns out at least 20 invitations were not delivered by the postal service... crowd lower than normal (but enthusiastic)
December 13: Kelley still sick - inflamed vocal cords - prednisone, only iced beverages, and a teaspoon of straight honey before bed - to continue until Christmas
December 14: Family friend and beloved colleague of John's dies suddenly at 61
December 17: Kelley misses family friend's wake but plans to go to funeral
December 18: babysitter cancels at 7:30 a.m., Katie second choir rehearsal, Katie emergency pediatrician visit -ear infection - amoxycillin, Kelley scrapes up a replacement sitter but misses funeral due to doc visit, hoping to get to burial, doesn't make it due to extended wait at doc visit, hoping to get to reception... no reception.
December 19: Lessons & Carols
December 20: Matthew starting to get sick again but surgery goes ahead anyway. Lots of thick fluid drained and an active ear infection found; Kelley sick - cold
December 23: Katie sick - cold
December 24-25: Katie sings in her first choir! Kelley sings 6 Masses in less than 24 hours.
December 26: Kelley sick - hand-foot-and-mouth disease(!!), heavy duty antivirals; blizzard
December 27: Matthew sick - nasty cold and ear infection persisting -- more eardrops; drive through blizzard to Syracuse for photo appointment with family; photographer doesn't show; no sleep for Kelley; bathtub removal to start (to stop leak that is causing a hole in the kitchen ceiling) but doesn't
December 28: Evie starts coughing; no sleep for Kelley; still no bathroom renovation
December 29: Evie sounding worse; Kelley gets on bad side of family by picking up the check at Olive Garden (I know, I don't get it either!); bad night, no sleep
December 30: Trip to urgent care with Evie, blood ox at 91%, emergency albuterol treatment (of course, no nebulizer in travel kit... will be in future!), located rental nebulizer - prednisone and albuterol breathing treatments every 4 hours.
December 31: Thank the Lord in heaven, John's here and we can go HOME! Bathroom totally nonfunctional (which it still is).
BUT:
Mid-December, I got three lovely packages unlooked for just as I really, really needed them. My voice held out thanks to the prednisone and, after, massive doses of ibuprofen. So proud of Katie in her first choir experience. And we have a second bathroom so we're at least relatively clean. And I only gained just under 8 pounds in a month of totally leaving my diet in the dust.
SO:
December, don't let the door hit you on the ass.
Onward, upward for January.
November 23: Evie sick - pneumonia. Antibiotics, albuterol nebulizer treatments every 4 hours round the clock for 10 days.
November 27: Kelley ankle injury. X-ray shows it unbroken. Naproxen and a narcotic for swelling and pain as well as being restricted to combat boots. (Still hurting but grateful for said combat boots which saved the ankle from fracture per the doctor.)
November 28-December 10: Prep for holiday open house including a zillion dozen cookies, major grocery shopping, and decoration - all on said ankle
November 30: Follow up audiology report shows consistent hearing loss for Matthew, ear tube surgery scheduled
December 1: Kelley sick - laryngitis (just in time for 12/5 concert)
December 6: Katie sick
December 11: Katie first choir rehearsal. Holiday open house - turns out at least 20 invitations were not delivered by the postal service... crowd lower than normal (but enthusiastic)
December 13: Kelley still sick - inflamed vocal cords - prednisone, only iced beverages, and a teaspoon of straight honey before bed - to continue until Christmas
December 14: Family friend and beloved colleague of John's dies suddenly at 61
December 17: Kelley misses family friend's wake but plans to go to funeral
December 18: babysitter cancels at 7:30 a.m., Katie second choir rehearsal, Katie emergency pediatrician visit -ear infection - amoxycillin, Kelley scrapes up a replacement sitter but misses funeral due to doc visit, hoping to get to burial, doesn't make it due to extended wait at doc visit, hoping to get to reception... no reception.
December 19: Lessons & Carols
December 20: Matthew starting to get sick again but surgery goes ahead anyway. Lots of thick fluid drained and an active ear infection found; Kelley sick - cold
December 23: Katie sick - cold
December 24-25: Katie sings in her first choir! Kelley sings 6 Masses in less than 24 hours.
December 26: Kelley sick - hand-foot-and-mouth disease(!!), heavy duty antivirals; blizzard
December 27: Matthew sick - nasty cold and ear infection persisting -- more eardrops; drive through blizzard to Syracuse for photo appointment with family; photographer doesn't show; no sleep for Kelley; bathtub removal to start (to stop leak that is causing a hole in the kitchen ceiling) but doesn't
December 28: Evie starts coughing; no sleep for Kelley; still no bathroom renovation
December 29: Evie sounding worse; Kelley gets on bad side of family by picking up the check at Olive Garden (I know, I don't get it either!); bad night, no sleep
December 30: Trip to urgent care with Evie, blood ox at 91%, emergency albuterol treatment (of course, no nebulizer in travel kit... will be in future!), located rental nebulizer - prednisone and albuterol breathing treatments every 4 hours.
December 31: Thank the Lord in heaven, John's here and we can go HOME! Bathroom totally nonfunctional (which it still is).
BUT:
Mid-December, I got three lovely packages unlooked for just as I really, really needed them. My voice held out thanks to the prednisone and, after, massive doses of ibuprofen. So proud of Katie in her first choir experience. And we have a second bathroom so we're at least relatively clean. And I only gained just under 8 pounds in a month of totally leaving my diet in the dust.
SO:
December, don't let the door hit you on the ass.
Onward, upward for January.
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