I should warn you right now: I feel a rant coming on. For a rant-free zone, see the last entry (Harriet's Music Meme).
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I should have known better. I felt it coming -- like fall creeping in around the edges of summer, a hint of flame at the edges of green leaves whispering of crisp days and windy nights. A friend whose desperation to find a "man" became so palpable that I ignored a long-standing rule: Never, EVER hook anyone up (The Rule).
Now, in general, this isn't an issue for me. Basically, I know very, very few single guys and most of the single guys I know I wouldn't hook up with a friend even if it wasn't proscribed by The Rule. Single Friend is 41, divorced, a person for whom sex is almost an overriding concern. She complains. A lot. About being single. About how all men suck. About how she never meets any decent guys. So, when I'm another friend's jewelery store and meet her UPS guy who seems very nice and is single, I get his email addy for Single Friend and pass it along with what information I was able to gather in the 5 minutes he was in the store.
She contacts him by email, he emails back, she emails back, he calls. She complains to me about him on ICQ (while she's still on the phone with him): he seems nice but he's not this, he's not that, he's cheap, he lives with his parents, yada yada yada. For cryin' out loud, if he's not for you, just tell him so gently and excuse yourself. Don't bitch to me about it while he's still on the phone; that's just tacky.
The kicker was when she cast aspersions my way for telling her he was tall when he's only 5'8". Well, excu-u-use me!, he looked tall from where I was sitting! And as for living with his parents, so was John when I started dating him. You know, I understand and accept that people I hook up may not hit it off; it's to be expected. I don't care if you don't want to date him! But don't beg me to hook you up and then beat me up because the guy isn't a cross between Warren Buffet and Hugh Jackman!
I am beginning to realize that her being single has nothing to do with her not meeting guys and everything to do with not taking responsibility for her own happiness.
And I find that very depressing.
Because I can introduce her to guys (although I won't anymore) but I can't change who she is.
7 comments:
Wow. You summed it up pretty well. And hey, you tried. Sometimes you just gotta put up the hand and say "Whatever!" I am wary of doing this too, in case my "recommendation" is more my type than a friend's type, and we all have such different types!! :) --T
It's true, what they say, about how you can't control anyone's happiness but your own. Obviously, she's happier in some way to be single - she's sending that out, and the Universe is obliging. If she really wants to change her life, she'll have to change herself, and that's something nobody, be they friend or family or well-meaning stranger, can do for her.
one would assume she'd be a bit more mature at her age and say ummmm thank you for trying!!!
grrrrr....
don't worry i won't ask you for any hook ups ;)
*grin* The only time I've hooked up a friend was waaay back in jr. high, and they were two friends who like each other but were too shy to tell each other out loud, and I kept doing group gatherings with just as an excuse to get them in the same room together. They broke up after 5 years, but up until he turned into a royal jerk-off it was all good.
I think the older you get, the more set in your ways you are, and the more it's up to you to really know who you are looking for, if you're looking for anyone at all.
You know, I had a whole philosophical comment written for this and it wouldn't post and I lost it. Grrrrr. So I will try to remember what I said.
My first thought is that this is a very pathetic sad person. She will never realize that the problem is her and not the UPS guy. Only a truly brave friend will attempt to tell her the truth but unless she is ready to hear it it will go over her head and the brave friend will be history. I couldn't be that brave I don't think. I probably would take the coward's way out and avoid her on a permanent basis.
Pessimistic people are just plain hard to be around. Take my mother in law....please! Well, you can't cause she passed away a few years ago. There seemed to be nothing we could give her that didn't have something wrong with it. I only remember her being very proud of her collection of outdated polyester pantsuits she could still wear. I don't even think she was that happy with her 3 grandsons but the granddaughter was a different story. We tried so hard and there was ALWAYS something wrong with our choices.
People CHOOSE to be happy about things in life. I may be accused of being a Pollyanna but, you know, the whole attitude has saved my sanity from time to time. I had to choose to be happy with some circumstances that I couldn't change. I believe I'm a better person for it too.
Don't beat yourself with a wet noodle, PPG. There isn't anything you could have done to make this scene turn out any better. Pity her. She has no joie de vie and that has to be one very sad, selfish and unhappy person.
It sounds like Single Friend doesn't know what she wants. If she thinks all men suck, maybe she shouldn't be looking for a man or complaining about being single. You were really sweet to listen and support her....sorry she was unappreciative :-(
I think she really *doesn't* know what she wants - because, as Graymama said, if all men suck, why does she want one?
Thanks so much for the support, everyone. I needed it and it was very helpful to have uninvolved parties' responses!
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