Nov 12, 2008

Two Years

Two years.

Two years since life as I know it
changed.
Immeasurably,
completely,
in perpetuity.

Two years since I began
describing my
children
as "one living, one lost".

Two years
has served to merely
dull
the searing knife of pain
that will
never
truly vanish
though the phrase has
now
become "two living, one lost".

I do not know
if the life that
left us
was male or female.
I know only
that my heart holds
it
him
her
until the end
of
my own.

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8 Comments:

Blogger LauraJ said...

The grief gets easier with time. For me it's been 14 years and I still remember. Much love to you.
Mother of 2 angel babies and 1 living son.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous RD said...

I grieve with you.

RD

4:47 PM  
Blogger PeppyPilotGirl said...

Most days, I can go without a problem. Then some days, I can't stop thinking about it.

For some reason, this anniversary hit me harder than last year's. Maybe because I wasn't pregnant this year? It's weird what I remember about and what I was just too traumatized at the time to recall. I remember being 15 minutes late for call (unrelated to the miscarriage). I remember my OB putting his hand on my leg when he told me there was no heartbeat. I remember the idiot nurse coming in afterward and saying "See? It's all going to be fine" and me having to say "well, no, actually, it isn't. The baby's dead." I remember having John take Katie to swimming because I couldn't swim. Weird details. I guess trauma is like that somewhat - my memories of the sexual assault in college are similar, just weird details and some of the more obvious things left out.

One of the hardest parts of a miscarriage is how many people treat it as no big deal. And one of the things that no one who hasn't struggled with fertility will understand is that it's a double loss. It's a loss of the child, beloved and longed for, but it's also a loss of hope and you can't help but wonder if it was the last chance. Fortunately, our lost baby wasn't also our last baby.

@LJ
My heart goes out to you too.

@RD
Thank you.

It helps to know that others will think of our lost baby.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Jade said...

I think people who treat it as no big deal just don't comprehend how to deal with this brand of tragedy. They can't relate, the topic makes them uncomfortable, so they gloss over it with what they think are "helpful" comments. They don't want to talk about it and they think that if you can just forget about it you'll feel better.

I don't think they mean to be heartless... they are just ill-equipped. I try to keep that in mind when I deal with them as well. :)

This year might be hitting you harder because last year you were focused on your pregnancy - and you also have a lot of unrelated stresses going on this year that have been wearing you down the last couple weeks.

Your baby is gone, but not forgotten.

3:43 PM  
Blogger JerseyTjej said...

Very kind and supportive comments people have left...I understand and support your need to acknowledge it.

4:13 AM  
Blogger smileymamaT said...

I agree with Jade, some don't understand or don't feel comfortable acknowledging this kind of deep loss, so this is where the "gloss over" comes from.

Thinking of you. T

10:22 AM  
Anonymous marsbarn said...

I've been thinking about what to write for a couple of days now. I have thoughts.. lots of thoughts (about my own miscarriage, and my near miscarriage), but I don't know that any of them are going to be helpful or healing. My thoughts are very much with you.

2:34 AM  
Blogger PeppyPilotGirl said...

@Jade

I think you're right and I try to keep that in mind. Some times it's easier than others. But, as you said, things have been kind of rough lately and I've been on edge anyway - makes everything a bit harder, I think.

@JerseyTjej

Thanks for understanding.

@SMT

Thanks. It helps to know people are sending positive thoughts.

@Marsbarn

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Feel free to share whatever might help you - whether or not you think it might be healing or helpful. Thank you for your thoughts.

9:36 PM  

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