Hormones Suck

No, I'm not on any hormones other than those naturally already created by my body but they seem to be in huge abundance this month.

My menstrual cycle started with a big (1.5") round clot with a dab of white/cream material in the middle. It looked like a fried egg courtesy of Hieronymous Bosch, a pointed and macabre reminder of the typical failure of my body to create and sustain life. And, somehow, knowing that we conceived but miscarried is worse than figuring the sperm and the ova hung out at different bars.

Yet another month.

Yet another failed attempt.

Another discussion on how long we'll "try".

Hormones suck.

Does It Say Colonel Anywhere On My Uniform?

Another blow against mommydom, this time by my so-called "family friendly" company. So much for mothers ruling the world!

I work primarily from home. Before I had Katie, I went in to the office one day a week. When I was pregnant, they pleaded with me to keep coming in once a week once I had the baby. I did not think this was a good idea. Still, I agreed... reluctantly.

Last week, my boss told me there had been a complaint and They don't want the baby there anymore. We settled on a much reduced in-office schedule (a couple of hours every other week just after the baby's napped and been fed).

Now, my issue here is not what you would think. I don't have a problem with them not wanting the baby there. It's a business, after all. And while she is a pretty well-behaved baby, even well-behaved babies have bad days. My issue is the way it was handled. I have a real problem with being pushed into doing something and then made to feel like an inconsiderate idiot when I do it!

I didn't think it was a good idea to begin with. I also knew I simply wouldn't be able to do it much longer anyway. Once she starts crawling, there would be no way to keep her safely restrained in an office. But, God forbid I be allowed the dignity of a discussion where I'd be allowed to discuss the situation with my boss.

I also have a problem with the ball-less wonder who tried to let my boss take the flak instead of owning up to making the complaint. (I have a real problem with people that don't have the balls to tell me to my face they have a problem with my behaviour and then to try to make my boss the bad guy/girl? How freakin' rude.) And it's not like we don't know who it was. Oh, he may have tried to stay anonymous but - ha HA! - he was found out by my intrepid coworkers (50-something year old ladies who dote on the baby) and made to feel like an ass. Worse for him, one of my coworkers told one of the senior folks who found it typical and every time he calls for the ball-less wonder, he now asks for the "babyhater". Heh heh heh.

P.S. Ok, so the quote doesn't really fit; I have RDA as Jack O'Neill on the brain. Sue me. ;)

Three, actually.

I was in the post office today picking up my mother's mail (something for which she will not be nearly grateful enough). Our post office is kind of slow. Ok, it's one of the slowest I've ever been to. The line moves at a speed only slightly more rapid than glacial. Grouchy customers are the norm and one, today, stormed out the door, having an outburst about this was the worst post office he'd ever been to and how it had awful, slow, and stupid employees.

Not being the brightest bulb in the chandelier myself, and being possessed of a somewhat irreverent sense of humor, I said (obstensibly to my daughter), "grouchy customers too..."

While several of the customers in line did, indeed, seem to find this funny (it released a great deal of the tension that Mr. Cranky left floating), Mr. I Stood Behind Mr. Cranky And I'm Now Cranky Too said, snottily, "well, some of us have a real job and can't afford to stand around all day waiting for government workers!"

Now, I know that I kind of brought that on myself. I also know that responding to it would do no good; so I didn't. But. Oh, the but...

I wanted to turn around and tell him I have a real job. Three, actually. One which pays regularly, one which pays occasionally, and one (the one he was implying was not real) which doesn't pay at all.

[[Hang on, job 3 is crying and job 1 is on the phone...]]

[[Ok, 3 is put to nap, 1 is off the phone, and, although I really have to follow up with a potential client on job 2, I'm back. (Blogging is much more fun than marketing.)]]

I think I must have been a warrior in another lifetime. I desperately want to strike back at snotty people but I know I shouldn't for any number of reasons, the biggest one being that it never really makes you feel better because you know you're not going to change their opinion.

Having this happen makes me appreciate all the more graymama's forebearance with the unenlightened. I have not that kind of patience but I'm trying.

May God grant me the patience I need to deal with people like that and the understanding to see past their public flaws to the human underneath.

A Different Meme For Me

Well, at least it was one I hadn't seen before - interesting too. Thanks, graymama!

I know – that I don't like broccoli
I believe – every child should have a regular chance to play
I fought – with my siblings
I am angered – that some people just don't play fair
I love – standing on a bluff watching the ocean waves sent baubles of water sparkling across the rocks and through the air
I need – music
I take – some solace in knowing my husband loves me
I hear – road construction equipment at 7 AM sharp for the last 2 weeks
I drink – lots of unsweetened herb tea and the occasional vodka gimlet
I hate – feeling unworthy
I use – my computer... incessantly
I want – to be perfect
I decided – that I will die in the house I'm living in
I like – my friends
I feel – tired
I wear – whatever's easily at hand when I get up
I left – being a real estate paralegal... joyfully
I do – adore Reese's peanut butter creations (eggs, pumpkins, trees, etc.)
I hope – to leave the world a more beautiful place than I found it
I dream – of having really good sex
I drive – with the sunroof open, the windows down, and the music blasting when I'm alone in the car
I listen – with my mind but more often with my heart
I type – about 75 wpm (even now) on an ergonomic keyboard
I think – too much
I need - to lose about 60 pounds
I wish – I had long legs and wore a size 8
I am - unsure of myself
I compensate – myself poorly
I regret – not having yet saved the world
I care – a lot
I should – be a kinder person
I am not always - friendly
I said – I hate my life
I wonder –if I am fucking up my daughter royally
I changed – constantly
I cry – at coffee commercials
I am not – the outgoing sort
I lose – my cool when frustrated or overwhelmed
I leave – the spicy pepper thingies in Chinese food on my plate

Tag... you're all it...

That's the News and I Am Outta Here...

(with apologies to Dennis Miller)

Hello, blog. Sorry I've not been here of late. It seems I'm obligated to... well... everyone which seems to leave no time for me. Or you. Sorry, blog. What can I say? It's been kind of a crappy few days.

I cracked the rear driver's side corner of my car up; car meets tree, car loses. All the damage is contained in 1 or 2 square feet but I figure it'll be a couple grand: new bumper cover (painted), new light lenses, rear quarter panel taken off, beat back into shape, and painted. We have collision but, still, the deductible is $500. And then the rates go up. For 7 years we've lived in this house and I've backed out my driveway and for 7 years that tree has been lying in wait, biding its time. I guess it got tired of waiting. Unfortunately, that $500 was supposed to be my airfare to the west coast this summer.

Then there's Teething. Oh, and a nasty cold, which started with a 102° fever on Friday. To give the baby credit though, she's being remarkably good about the whole thing. She didn't have to have Tylenol or Motrin once today though so I think she's improving although she's still seriously snuffling. Of course, I'm coming down with her cold and feel like shit at the moment.

We had picnics both Saturday and Sunday. I know, I know, picnics are supposed to be fun. The one was John's college reunion and, for the most part, it was fun. Sunday was the picnic for the women pilots' group I belong to. It was fun enough, I guess, although the meeting part seemed interminable. It made me really miss my flying though. It seems like such a dream now, that I actually can fly an airplane. Assuming I still can. I can't, of course, legally. My medical is out of date and I'm waaaaay out of currency. I don't have the money to bring either of those into order at the moment.

My parents came up Thursday and stayed through Sunday. They did babysit Saturday night which was really nice of them. Their house purchase was finalized Monday. Dad will be back tomorrow to start dismantling the pool (removing the "attractive nuisance").

Saturday was the monthly Big O. We took advantage of it but I think I'm giving up. Just not very hopeful this cycle. For the best, I suppose. Although feeling hopeless isn't exactly the way I want to live my life. ((And to all those who've never struggled with fertility: no, sorry, it's not fun trying. It's stressful. It's awkward. It's one of the least romantic things one can do as a couple.))

I really have no reason to be feeling sort of, well, blue isn't exactly the right word. It's not blue, per se; it's more... flat. Like tonic water left open on the counter over night. Flat and sort of oddly flavoured.

The Exercise Mythos

I don't know why I thought working with a trainer would be different, why, this time, exercise would be all that it's cracked up to be. It's been 2 months now of doing an hour + of strength training 3x/week with a spare 40 minute cardio session thrown in once or twice a week.
Let's deal with the myths one at a time, shall we?

Ein... exercise gets easier as you go along. I'm never quite sure whether they mean that the exercises themselves will get easier or whether making yourself do it will get easier or both but no matter! Neither is easier. It still is miserable and hard and sweaty and pretty much the nastiest thing I have to face, including the cat pee in my office.

Zwei... exercise gives you energy. Bullshit. Exercise makes me tired. And I mean that in both the immediate sense and the grand scheme of things. If exercise gave me energy, I wouldn't be constantly fighting putting my head down on the keyboard for a snooze. (Yes, I get enough sleep - 7.5 hours of sleep a night.) Also, if exercise gave me energy, I'd feel less tired than I did two months ago. Not true. I feel more tired, not less.

Drei... exercise curbs your appetite. If possible, this is even a bigger load of bullpucky than the last one. Exercise makes me hungry. And not just a little hungry... run beserk through the kitchen in a ravenous pillage hungry.

Vier... exercise is fun. Ok, this one I'm not even going to deign to respond to.

Fuenf... exercise helps you lose weight. Ok, if this is true, then there is something seriously wrong with me that would have otherwise made me gain a bunch of weight the last couple of months because I'm pretty much right where I started, despite the diet and all this exercise.

Sechs... if you don't like exercise, you're just lazy. Well, I'm doing it, ain't I? And I ain't slackin' off by half-heartedly pokin' at it. Trainer Guy wouldn't let me, even if I wanted to. I guess that's not really a myth though. That's more a common judgment by jocks.

Maybe kickboxing the people who make these claims would make me feel better.
And it'd probably burn some calories too, huh?

Question?

Does anybody know how to move a post to the top? I started a draft post a few days ago that I just published today which didn't show up at the top but posted where it would have appeared had I posted it when I started.

Whew!

Good thing they didn't move on to high school science...

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

NH3

Did you know the chemical make up of ammonia is 1 Nitrogen atom and 3 Hydrogen atoms? Just in case you were curious.

I have been shoveling!! Shoveling out my closet, shoveling out the baby's room, shoveling out the attic. I have bags and bags of clothes to go to the goodwill, thown out clothes so worn they wouldn't even make good rags, and discovered a few clothes I'd forgotten about. I made some serious progress. Now, I need to haul the family toys up from my office to go into the attic (in the space I created) so that I'm one step closer to getting the cat pee smell out of my office.

Yes, my office reeks of cat pee. Apparently, when we were gone to New Jersey, he got in there and peed up a pissed off storm. Everything's got to come out, the carpet has to come up and get pitched. Then I have to wash the concrete down with as much Nil Odor as I can get my hands on, then seal the concrete and then have new carpet put down. Now, the kicker in this is that I know my desk and file cabinets won't survive being moved. They're those you-put-it-together-particle-board-wonders and are on their last legs already. So, this whole project also involves new office furniture. Can't really afford it, particularly not with having to get new carpet, but I figure I'll hit IKEA and hopefully that will make it more do-able.

And, hopefully, once I get all that done, my mother will STOP COMMENTING ON THE FUCKING CAT PEE ALREADY!!!

Oops... did I type that out loud?