Jun 26, 2006

Hormones Suck

No, I'm not on any hormones other than those naturally already created by my body but they seem to be in huge abundance this month.

My menstrual cycle started with a big (1.5") round clot with a dab of white/cream material in the middle. It looked like a fried egg courtesy of Hieronymous Bosch, a pointed and macabre reminder of the typical failure of my body to create and sustain life. And, somehow, knowing that we conceived but miscarried is worse than figuring the sperm and the ova hung out at different bars.

Yet another month.

Yet another failed attempt.

Another discussion on how long we'll "try".

Hormones suck.


Blogger Willow said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I have questions but not sure you'd want to be asked or answer. I had a talk about the same thing with my spouse last night - maybe I'll post it. :(

9:48 PM  
Blogger peppypilotgirl said...

Feel free to ask. It is what it is, ya know?

10:24 PM  
Blogger Willow said...

Will you keep trying? What do you weigh when you make that decision? Why do you want another one? What would it mean to you to stop trying? (meaning - would you feel like you quit? would you feel relief? would you feel loss?) I don't know - I guess all the questions I ask myself - I wonder how you would answer those questions. For me the first time was easy - I knew I wanted one - I knew what means I would go to to get one - and that I would keep trying. And I was on a timeline - so there was no waiting until we had enough money, were in a stable place, had some years of just us, etc etc. It's almost easier when you don't feel you have much leeway in the choices.

10:47 PM  
Blogger graymama said...


We lost our first on April 15th, 2003.

I am always here if you want to chat about it!

10:55 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Sometimes I struggle with the decision to know or not know my cycle. I know from months of steady testing that I am ovulating, so sometimes I think I should just chuck the monitor, go at it like rabbits for fun, and see what happens. But even when I don't use it (like since Dan broke his freakin' knee) I now know the physical signs of ovulation for me, so I have a pretty good guess anyway. Then it's just a matter of counting out 2-3 weeks and waiting for the Big Massive Freak Out when the hormones kick in and turn me into Psycho Bitch. I had to educate myself to find out why we were having so many problems conceiving, and if I hadn't we wouldn't have Gayle... but now I'm stuck with knowing what every fucking little nuance in my body means.

I don't know which is worse... I like having solid answers, but the answers I'm getting I don't like.

Something to keep in mind... it might not be your body every time. According to my doctor, sperm really works best when it's fresh - meaning the guy needs to keep it circulating every couple of days. If he waits until the one time you ovulate his sperm might be too old to do it's job. As my doc tried to gingerly put it "regardless of when you ovulate, you really need to be having sex every couple of days anyway" Just another piece of information to add to your collection.

The last time this happened to me, Dan tried to cheer me up by pointing out that "at least we know our shit works" (his joking way of pointing out that at least I'm creating eggs and not just empty cysts) but that everything has to be just perfect in order for the fetus to develope. But, we have a daughter so we already know our shit worked once... chances are better that it will work again than if we hadn't had any kids at all. The same goes for you - you've had a successful pregnancy, so your chances of conceiving again have already gone up from that.

Call me if you want to :)

1:30 AM  
Blogger peppypilotgirl said...

Thanks so much for the support, ladies. I really appreciate it (and thanks for that tidbit of information, Jade - I didn't know that!) Now for some answers to Willow's questions.

Will you keep trying? What do you weigh when you make that decision? I promised myself I would try for at least a year this time, which gives us another several months. I think John would like to make it at least 18 months. What happened the first time is that we tried unassisted for a year, then we tried with drugs and the medical equivalent of turkey basters for a year, then we gave up when the insurance money ran out and the stress of the hormones just got to be too much. Katie was born 2 years after that. I think, this time, what will make us give up will be stress. I'm also 39 so age plays a factor as well.

Why do you want another one? The main reason is that I think it's good for kids to have siblings if the parents can stand the idea. Teaches people that the world is not theirs exclusively, which I think is a good thing. We would like to have a boy as well - one of each - although for me that isn't nearly as much of a moving factor as the sibling issue. And then there's just the ineffable "I want one" thing. And I'm not exactly sure how to quantify that.

What would it mean to you to stop trying? (meaning - would you feel like you quit? would you feel relief? would you feel loss?) I would feel both - at least I did the first time when we quit. I felt both an enormous sense of relief that I could move on with my life, a sense of guilt that I was putting myself first, a sense of sorrow that I wasn't going to be a parent. I think by the time I bring myself to give up the trying has become so untenable that I just can't face doing it anymore. It may be easier this time as we're not going to do the Clomid/hormone thing.

I think, essentially, that I have to get to a point where I say, "Fuck this shit; I've got my daughter. If God wants us to have a baby, God doesn't need me testing and testing and testing to send me another baby." And then I can go on with where I am and when I just get things all settled the way I like them, boom, I'll get pregnant. Unfortunately, TPTB seems to know when I'm honestly saying that and when I'm just saying that to try to convince myself (and, in that case, it doesn't work!)

As my friend, CSue, is wont to say though YMMV (your mileage may vary)!

3:47 PM  
Blogger peppypilotgirl said...

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, Jade, about hating knowing exactly what your body is doing. And, yeah, you put it right, "...I like having solid answers but the answers I'm getting, I don't like..."

Didn't you take some sort of vitamin that helped too?

Hang in there, Jade and Willow; this, too, shall pass and we'll be able to move on with our lives.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous harriet said...

I'm so sorry, Kelley.

4:33 PM  
Blogger graymama said...

After we lost our first, I devoured these 2 books:

Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health

The Natural Pregnancy Book: Herbs, Nutrition and Other Holistic Choices

Also, I had the Maya Abdominal and Uterine massage, as well as doing herbal vaginal steams to clear out all of the excess tissue naturally.

I also took the detox and female tonics from Rainforest Remedies to help clear any excess tissue out.

On the first day of my period after the miscarriage, I did a vaginal steam, took the herbal tronics again, and I did a vaginal steam on the last day of my period, too. I also took the star flower essence "Magnificent Moontime-I Am a Divine Goddess
Ingredients: Balance & Stability (Habenaria), Divine Goddess (Masdevallia Veitchianna), Freedom/Libertad (Xylobium w/24K Gold), Full Moon (Lavender),
Nature Communion (Trichoceros Parviflorum), Strength & Chi (Fava), Sublime Chocolate (Cacao) Bloodstone, Moonstone
Honor, enjoy and tune into your cycles and rhythms, with reverence and peace.Stay balanced during each period.Flow in a stream of love.Also especially useful for those few days before moontime begins."

I also saw a traditional chinese medical doctor and took herbs, as well as having acupuncture done.

A really good book for subsequent pregnancies is Pregnancy After a Loss.

A helpful website is Remembering Our Babies.

HTH :-) {{{{hugs}}}}

6:42 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

I can't add much here except to say been there and done that. I haven't had problems conceiving but I had 2 miscarriages 4th and 6th pregnancies. I have 4 children. My delightful daughter is between those miscarriages. None of these was a planned pregnancy. Even Abby. she was conceived after a miscarriage without having had a period first. Each loss was very different. The first was immensely emotional. All I did was cry. The second one was a scarey physical drama. I don't remember emotion. I just remember blood blood everywhere... in the car, down the hall to the doc's office and then again when I stood up from the wheel chair. I think it's the closest I've ever come to death.

I can say confidently that menopause is good. No more of reading those body "signs". Ba bye PMS!

1:06 AM  
Blogger Jade said...

I take Total EFA (essencial fatty acids) that was the advice given to me by a co-worker of Dan's in California. Don't as me why he was talking about my reproductive system to a woman at work, but I'm not complaining. The theory is that I lacked EFA's due to my diet (allergic to eggs) and the omegas whatever that's in those help the pancreas create the hormones for a regular menstral cycle. It makes sense... the other time I was most regular in my life was when I was eating a whole lotta fish.

I take three a day, one with each meal, and usually a bite of chocolate afterwards. The vitamins don't taste like anything going down, but if you burp they are a bit fishy. It's gross, but they seem to help.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Oh another thing... losing weight helps with menstrul cycles. I can't remember exactly why, but something like extra fat on your body tends to hold insulin, which puts stress on your pancreas (my doc had a whole diagram drawn for me, but it was over a year ago and I can't picture it now) Anyway, getting down to a good range of body fat percentage is supposed to help. Which again, makes sense... as I didn't get pregnant with Gayle until just after I'd lost a bunch of Winter Cookie Eating weight.

12:56 PM  
Blogger JerseyTjej said...

Can't offer any helpful advice but after 4 years of infertility, 2 failed I.V.F.'s and multiple clomid cycles before...we just gave up...

2:13 PM  
Blogger peppypilotgirl said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties, JerseyTjej. That just plain sucks. (We never got as far as IVF; our insurance didn't cover it and we couldn't afford it. And, on top of that, it just sounds so, so stressful.)

3:40 PM  
Blogger peppypilotgirl said...

And thanks for the helpful info, Graymama!!

3:50 PM  

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