Nov 15, 2006

Everything We Got, We Got the Hard Way

The hardest part of this entire ordeal, I believe, is that there is no public recognition of the loss. There is no wake, no funeral, no gravesite to visit. It happened early enough for us that we don't even know if our deceased child was a boy or a girl. There is no name to etch into a permanent memorial.

Many people, typically those who have not gone through it, treat it as a medical issue and nothing more. To them, it is no different than breaking your leg skiing. They do not comprehend the agonizing clarity of my understanding that this was my baby. This was John Sevier or Evelyn Ann. This was Katie's sister or brother. John's and my daughter or son.

One coworker emailed me "try not to be too sad". Um, excuse me? And just how would you suggest I go about doing that? It strikes me, too, as being disrespectful to my husband, my daughter, and my baby. On top of that, what is "too sad"? Would she have written someone who lost their 1 year old "try not to be too sad"?

I want to thank everyone here who sent their thoughts and condolences and hugs and prayers; your messages were much more thoughtful and considerate. It makes it much easier to bear when other people are helping carrying the burden and not adding to it. I really appreciate each and every one of you.

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Anonymous Brightdreamer said...

Probably not my place to say, but why can't you have a private memorial if you want/need one? Norm has his Norm Tree - find something appropriate, a statue or stone or plant, even a picture or vase or something, for the One Who Was Lost. Find a place of honor in your home or garden. Light a candle, say a prayer... do something to remember, even if you're the only one who knows about it. And if anyone else tells you to "not be too sad," feel free to sic Drax the virtual dragon on them.

2:05 PM  
Blogger LauraJ said...

I'm sure there are online websites and groups you could lurk through just to help you through your grief. You really are not alone.
There is also a website October 15 about the loss of a child, no matter what age.
Keep talking, keep hanging on. We are hear for you.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

When I had a miscarriage I was only 6 weeks preggie - as I said the other day it doesnt matter what age baby was it still hurts
to help me I decided to name my little angel Jo I didnt know whether Jo was a boy or girl but Jo is a name that could apply to either sex.
I believe Jo is up in heaven and that one day I will met my little angel
my sister had a miscarriage too and she planted a tree in his remebrance
if thats what youd like to do I would
sweetie no one has the right to tell you how to feel - take your time and feel the way you want to
my thoughts prayers and love go out to you and yours
big hug

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Regina said...

I miscarried my first and last pregnancy at 11 weeks and was devistated. It was real to me.

I love the idea of planting a tree or a blooming bush in memorial. The grief is real and the expression of it should be also. ยจ

I am lighting a candle for you today. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

2:27 AM  

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